December 25, 2013

#reindeerrun2013 #stanleyaswibinski #hackettstown #reindeerruneletricbugaloo

September 2, 2011
NEW BLOG: Americans Wearing Soccer Jerseys

I have a new blog called Soccer Spotting. Visit it at http://soccerspotting.tumblr.com/ for your daily dose of AMERICANS WEARING SOCCER JERSEYS. 

I have a new blog called Soccer Spotting. Visit it at http://soccerspotting.tumblr.com/ for your daily dose of AMERICANS WEARING SOCCER JERSEYS. 

August 30, 2011

(Source: unklerazin)

May 22, 2011
A smattering of Caricatured Black People as Logos

Like in Jim Crow America, it’s OK to use bizarre 1910s, Al Jolson-in-blackface caricatures as company logos. Below is a sample of the Mammies, minstrels, grinning servants, and nubile, exotic young women I have seen while carrying my camera.

Carioca Oro Coffee, photo taken at a supermarket in Tenerife, Canary Islands, Spain. 

La Negra Tomasa Café and Restaurant, C/ Barcelona, Madrid. 

Café Populart, C/ Huertas, Madrid. 

Negrita Rum, photo taken at a corner store on C/ Huertas, Madrid.

The problem with using a dark-skinned person as a logo is that it separates people who look like that from the rest of society. It subliminally increases the unfortunate, prevailing sense of otherness or difference. 

One might argue that these are classic icons. Yet, these ‘classic icons’ conjure nostalgia for a time when black people were murdered for voting.

Thankfully, our enlightened American society would never stand for such distasteful, offensive stereotyping.

Well, Unless we’re stereotyping Native Americans 

April 26, 2011
Hansel and Gretel, run away.
A Child Trap in Malaga during Semana Santa. 

Hansel and Gretel, run away.

A Child Trap in Malaga during Semana Santa. 

March 2, 2011
Reproducción

Just-married profesores get two weeks of vacation for their lunamiels. A clever teacher I work with got married during the week and is off to see the world, leaving me in charge of her sixth-grade class a couple times a week.

I expected her to leave the kids busy work or time to complete various projects. Instead, the vice principal — who does not speak English — delivered the lesson plan and together we opened the text book to pictures of a fetus and a woman receiving a sonogram under the header Reproduction. 

'O. Interesante,' I snorted while struggling to set my face into an impassive expression. I like to know beforehand when I will have a unique and lasting memory. As such, I tossed Sham-wows around my brain to best absorb my first sex-ed lecture.

As the kids perused pages of penises, I introduced the new unit with banal questions about the traits that define human beings — we have four limbs, we are viviparous, we have lips to suck and not beaks, etc. Later, I explained the finer points of sonograms and discussed the correct pronunciation of uterus, cervix and ovaries. 

The teacher’s directions specifically said to complete all the book activities. So, after finishing each exercise, even the most mundane, we were left with twenty minutes of class and the activity “Role play a sonogram.” Curious to see what would happen, I split the kids into pairs, elected doctors and pregnant women and let them prepare their presentations.

The kids — the same kids who often prod me to say salmón in English because salmon sounds a little like the Spanish pronunciation of semen — behaved very well, laughing more when one kid forgot the word toes and said a baby had twenty fingers than at the abstract idea of sex.  

Although the lesson turned out to be more ‘sitcom episode concept’ than script, I wonder two things. First, what did the vice principal — who stayed for crowd control — think as I conducted class in a foreign language with a few breaks to answer questions like Como se dice, rompeagua en Ingles? Second, how would my town back home react to a 23-year-old Spanish teacher lecturing about sex?

January 29, 2011
Torres

According to a number of Spanish and English sources, Spanish forward, former Atletí star and international heartthrob Fernando Torres is on his way out of Liverpool. Chelsea is set to offer the third-highest transfer bid in history (after the fees Real Madrid paid for Zidane and Cristiano Ronaldo). Torres is from the Comunidad de Madrid, which qualifies this news for my site.

Although I don’t like Chelsea, I’m an Everton fan — Liverpool’s intracity rival — so this news pleases me. Still, I do love the Torres fan song.

Maybe Chelsea fans will pen a new version. Here’s my submission:

We always knew he’d be a Blue/Torres! Torres!

He told Anfield to go and screw/ Torres! Torres!

We bought the lad from Merseyside/Aims for goal, puts balls inside.

Fernando Torres. Chelsea’s soon-to-be number nine!

January 27, 2011
Fascismo

When I watched a Subway Series game in a bar, drunk Yankees fans called David Wright gay and mocked the Mets futility.

When I watched the Madrid Derby — Atletico de Madrid v. Real Madrid — in the quarterfinals of Spain’s Copa del Rey tournament at a bar, drunk fans tried to coax me to do the Nazi salute, yelled their support for the Ku Klux Klan and boasted of their fascist bonafides. 

Americans often call people they disagree with ‘Nazi.’ Por ejemplo: Nazi. Nazi. Nazi (my personal favorite). Nazi

But the Ultras at the bar — fellow Atletí fans, in fact — weren’t healthcare reform opponents or stingy soup servers, they were goose-stepping, right-arm-thrusting, unabashed neo-Nazis. 

During the first half, the atmosphere across from Vincente Calderon Stadium was high-spirited and friendly. Fans mingled, bought each other beers and commiserated when Ronaldo scored the game’s only goal for Real Madrid. Not until the break did events trend downward and to the far-right. 

While I waited to use the bathroom, the drunk ahead of me called six friends into the bathroom. After a few minutes, I complained to the middle-aged guy behind me that seven men were inside. He shook his head, pantomimed blowing coke and we both left the line.

When the gang finally emerged they were wired and restless.

Atletí Fans. Hooligans! Atletí Fans. Cloo Cluh Clah!" they chanted, each syllable an indistinct, staccato burst.

Soon, they set up shop next to my friends and me to better demonstrate their salutes, their creepy fascist club membership cards and their regard for the United States.

Oh Ba Ma. Cloo Cluh Clah.”

Oh no. 

Cloocluhclah?" My friend finally asked.

"Si! Cloocluhclah. Cloocluhclah! KKK!" They responded gleefully, confirming the worst stereotypes of European soccer hooligans. After this, they broke into a chorus of "USA. Maricones!

Welp, Adios.

After my two friends quickly slipped out the door, a crew of new kids posted up against the doorframe and tried to block my exit. After a couple attempts to leave, I tensed myself and broke my opponents’ defense — something Atletí failed to accomplish that night — by barreling through the crowd. When I reached my buddies outside the door, we immediately speed-walked with swiveling heads to the Metro, all relieved to have escaped our brush with coked-up neo-nazis.

January 14, 2011
Flexión

What is more humbling than one’s first pilates class? 

One’s primera clase de pilates. An hour ago, my emergency self-confidence reserve was drained as I struggled to survive my first pilates class in my second language. 

Most of the instruction was straight forward: Breath. Return to the board position. Round your back. Sit erect. Legs up. Legs to the floor. 

There were, however, many confounding moments. Open (?) your ribs. Fortunately, I just learned the word for ribs (costillas) earlier this week. Unfortunately, I don’t know what ‘open your ribs’ means in any language.

But frankly, I doubt I interpreted that direction properly. My failure to adequately do something with my costillas prompted the instructor to glide toward me and ask if this was my primera vez and then the dreaded ¿Hablas Castellano?. The twenty women (including the pretty girl four-feet away from me) chuckled.

Hands on the floor; culo toward el techo; face triply red from exercise, gravity slurping blood into my forehead and mild embarrassment — definitely my least favorite position.  

To further add to my displeasure, the middle-aged, stretching-veteran next to me quickly considered me a Spanish Incompetent, channeled her limited English and assumed the role of official translator. 

Otro lado,” the instructor said. Other side, the do-gooder whispered. 

Within five minutes, I had attracted both the instructor’s attention and my neighbor’s mildly patronizing comments. During the ensuing fifty-five, I strained to mimic the examples, straighten my back, point my toes (or bend my ankles or point my toes then bend my ankles) and understand the next bit of abdominal torture the teacher spewed. 

Finally, I completed my first class without becoming Pontius Pilates and washing my hands of the stress. 

December 25, 2010
Feliz Navidad

In Madrid, unsurprisingly, Christmas cheer is most evident in the late evening -, early morning-hours

Por ejemplo, last night, I went to my friend’s family’s house for la cena de Nochebuena, also known as my first trimester final exam. Yes, I have been here for three months and the five-course, traditional Christmas Eve dinner among septuagenerian madrileños provided an accurate assessment of my language progress. The week’s worth of food also presented a test of my stomach capacity. 

As I self consciously document, I’m slowly learning a new language blah blah blah. Who cares?

The most important information from last night: I ate thirteen species of animals, dwarfing my previous record of eight, achieved at the 2008 Knowlton Riverfest.

  1. Crab (conejo)
  2. Anchovies (anchoa)
  3. Salmon (salmón)
  4. Tuna (atún — if I ever own a restaurant, our specialty will be atún-y-patatas. What a wonderful phrase)
  5. Pig — in ham form (jamón — three types. Also: we jamón. I wanna jamón with you. We’re jamón and hope you like jamón, too)
  6. Shrimp (gambas)
  7. King prawn (langostinos) 
  8. Sheep — more precisely, lamb (cordero)
  9. Octopus (pulpo)
  10. Squid (calamar)
  11. Mussel (mejillón)
  12. Fish eggs (caviar — two different colors, so if you want to get technical, probably two species)
  13. Some little bird that I forgot the name of (pajarito)

This total does not include the chicken eggs or cream cheese (from a cow) which I also ingested. 

After watching Christmas musical medleys, the super famoso Rafael (seemingly, Spain’s answer to Wayne Newton) croon to los mayores and King Juan Carlos I wish all españoles y extranjeros a Merry Christmas — and with Noah’s Ark floating in a sea of stomach acid — we hit the bars until the pious hit the churches.

This afternoon, with the Madrid Zoo Aquarium still crammed in my colon, I cleaned my apartment, played basketball and ate Chinese food, or what I consider having myself a Jewish little Christmas — by the way, is it possible to “have yourself” anything other than a good Christmas? And what, exactly, is a little Christmas?. 

If this was the year 1 BC, my day would have been totally acceptable, but this evening, I got into the birthday spirit and decorated my room in preparation for my family’s arrival tomorrow morning.

Above: El arbol con los regalos.

Below: Each year, my Grandma gave my brother and me handmade ornaments with our photos on them. I include my depictions, designed to make Madrid feel a little more like home.

Below: In memory of those who couldn’t be with us this Christmas.


Below: Ghosts of Christmas Past.

And finally, below: Part of the Christmas card I made for mi familia


I am so excited to see my family that it will be hard for me to sleep. So, in solidarity with my loved ones on their overnight flight, I will sit in my plastic desk chair with a thin blanket covering only my knees.

¡Feliz Navidad!

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